The Books We Never Had
In honor of Banned Books Week, these are the books Gilding never had as a child, but wished she did.
Kinda Sutra
This is hilarious, the tales as explanations that the adults were told about sex and the mystery of birth when they were children. Then to have the children of this generations youth have a fairly high school level of education on the same conundrum — its just plain funny. On another note, it is a little sad that these children won’t have those same or different hilarious tales to reflect on when they are grown. It sort of obliterates the age of innocence with that of enlightenment; its hard to know which is better — is there a better?
A Flamingo in a Fallow Field
Images and below quote from dlisted.
“It really doesn’t get anymore glamorous than this. The Queen of Los Angeles, Angelyne, was spotted leaving a CVS drug store and getting into her pink corvette. Okay, it would’ve been more glamorous if she got into an ’87 Ford Corcel and she was leaving a check cashing place, but this will do for now. Look at her. Isn’t she so perfect! She’s like the forever memaw of the rave world! Seriously, Angelyne should come complete with a purple panda Ecstasy pill and a glowstick show. If Rainbow Bright fell on hard times and grew up to be an old (yet elegant) street whore…”
These images and more available at dlisted
So here’s the skinny on who the hell Angelyne is — for those just out of the know and those Southern born who has their own little “land replete with fruits and nuts,” so to speak.
In the City of Angels, splashed across billboards dressed in pink and reclining on a pink Corvette, Angelyne has carved herself as an entity now as iconic in the land of Hollywood as the Hollywood sign itself. The purpose of the billboards — promotion of her management company, Angelyne Management Co.. In her carreer Angelyne has recorded four albums and appeared in at least 15 movies — her more well-known films being “Earth Girls are Easy” and “Homer & Eddie” — and hundreds of TV Shows. Total combined screen time (according to the research in one Los Angeles Times article): 80 seconds; long shots, passing shots, and looped dialogue.
But for Pulitzer Prize winning photographer David Hume Kennerly, Angelyne was the one-word summary of what was both right and wrong with the California Recall initiative — the very one that landed Arnold Schwarzenager in the governor seat. He writes: “The mood and tone of my story can best be summed up in a word: Angelyne…She is a flamingo in a fallow field. And for that reason I sought her out.”
He both got more and less than he bargained for and let’s just say, a bottle of champagne was involved. You can read his account in his October 2003 article Total Recall written for the The Digital Journalist.
Photo by David Strick
Related Link: Angelyne’s driving tours
Living Room Sexin
Gilding could have sworn she had written something on this chaise, but perhaps it was just a birthday wishlist sent to Mr. Gilding. That’s probably what it was. There’s not much to write on them for they have an obvious design that is an abstract form of the female body, and is well known for being designed for the purpose of creating perfect kama sutra form while lovemaking. And if you visit the Trantra Chair’s website you’ll have a myriad of videos demonstrating a couple making love in an assortment of positions thanks to this chaise at your viewing pleasure. The chaise itself is gorgeous to look at and would be a nice piece of furniture to have in general, except that anyone with internet will know fairly instantly what the chaise’s actual design is meant for. But since the price tag of this piece carries more zeroes than Gilding is willing to part with at this time in her life, she never gave the chaise more than a naughty whispy thought and that was it.
But now — and this is why Gilding should stop reading apartment therapy — there is a more affordable version of the tantra chair being produced.
The Esse Chair is a lower priced alternative at just $500. And though it doesn’t come with all those nice soft-core tutorials, its the same effect and that’s what matters. Besides, you could always go back to the Tantra Chair’s website and partake of those — ahemmm…instructional videos.
But now that its relatively affordable, Gilding is now of the quandary, is in inappropriate to place the chair in what would be considered a “public living area” of your home. Think about it, isn’t it just a little bit naughty, erring on the side of nasty, having this thing in your living room where guests would essentially be sitting on the thing you’ve been sexin it up on? Not that Gilding would mind a bit the secret hilarity in that which would eventually culminate in the look of horror on her guest’s faces if and when they ever learn of the chaise’s actually use, but there is that little niggle of her mother’s voice somewhere in the back of her head admonishing her for doing something so wholly inappropriate.
Still…now that you’ve thought about it…it’s totally hilarious isn’t it.
Sea Creature Feature Causing About the Only Frenzy its Ever Going to Get
Lorenzo Lamas. Deborah Gibson. The schlocky sci-fi thriller destined for the discount bin (it’s direct to DVD). Giant prehistoric sea creatures destroying the California coast? And Deborah Gibson (yes, that Deborah Gibson) is the only one who can save the world? Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Source)
By the way, its been viewed at least 250,000 times on YouTube already causing a veritable web buzz.
Blow
To promote their exhibition, “Exploring the Pleasures of Oral Sex,” the New York City Museum of Sex handed out dirty party favors imprinted with the exhibit name, museum address, and this expressive cartoon [above]. But perhaps the best visual is the one conveyed by copyranter of this comic…relief: “Yeah, cartoon man is smiling now, but wait until she pinches, stretches, ties off, and snaps his stem.”
And Gilding wonders the same, where is the cunnilingus balloon? Why has it always got to be about the public demonstration of girls blowing things. Why don’t guys get the same subjugation. Gilding totally wants to see random men with their mouths wrapped around balloons at her local museum exhibit, dammit!
Via: copyranter
Stripper Cricket in Andrea’s Angsty High School Walls
This is brilliant. Gilding hates to admit that she’s old enough that her own highschool reunion has just past — she just won’t tell you which one it was though. But as you Lilies have probably already perceived, Gilding didn’t go. Truthfully, there was no point in going. Thanks to the dismal size of Gilding’s own home town, she’s never more than one public place away from running into one of her old classmates, and (as what proved true with the umpteen posted pictures on the interent of that night) the reunion would have been no different than any other Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Saturday night — and/or Sunday afternoon — of keg standing and overall drunken debauchery for her classmates of yore. Yes, Tuesday is the day of rest for these perpetual Spring Breakers of our Redneck Riviera. Factor in online communities like Myspace and Facebook and there’s no such thing as hiding anymore.
But as one High school reunioner dreaded her upcoming evening of recalled teenage torture, she decided to one-up the snots that humiliated her all while proving that high school wasn’t a stage for cliche fakeness that was at once replaced with sudden maturity of the adult world upon the day of graduating its cinder block halls. No…it is merely a breeding ground meant for perfecting what will become a lifetime of snobby fakes and their world of conformed one-upping.
In this six-minute short, “I Remember Andrea,” once angsty nerd now angsty adult nerd emphasizes the snobbishness of her high school. Beginning with a trip through the parking lot full of BMW’s, Benzes, and Hummers, the real action begins with Andrea’s hired stripper doppelganger — tatted up and fishnet wearing — does what she does best while playing Andrea…with a bit of a backstory for the known shy girl of her high school classmates, now this vision of Suicide Girl after a trip down amnesia lane and some plastic surgery.
The hilarity of this video isn’t just how accurate it shows the snobbishness that perpetuates after high school, but its how it comes about as the doppelganger Andrea plays quick on her feet, pretending to know these classmates of the real Andrea while egging on their sad pathetic lives of conformity within the veneer of their cliched roles defined in high school. Enjoy.
George Carlin had It Right, and the Kings of Men
So, yesterday’s Mass was about the 10 commandements, and Gilding thought, yeah, George Carlin had it right.
And while we’re on religion. Kings premiered on NBC last night. This show is an interesting mix of the perils of a capitalist run govenment with those of biblical proportions standing behind a monarchial rule. Think Henry VIII meets Big Oil…oh wait, that was Bush, wasn’t it…just minus the obvious brain-to-speech impetiment. Short synopsis, Kings is a modern-day soap about a hero who rises to become the King of his nation; based on the biblical story of King a David.
But the religious overtones don’t stop there and the writers cleverly mix these with a blending of modern era history and current affairs — and this is the Lit major in Gilding.
There is, of course David, the hero so still aptly named and in the premier episode he faces off with Goliath, the giant made literal in the form of a tank and metaphorical in the soldiers of the opposing side he faces down in the midst of a war. Add to that the opposing “country” is named Gath (i.e Goliath of Gath, one of five city states of the Philistines) while the King Silas’s own “country” is named Gilboa (i.e. Mount Gilboa, the setting used by the Books of Samuel for the battle between Saul and the Philistines). Couple that with his last name being Shephard, a little shake and a stir and you have the liberator of the fold from a once good turned strayed King.
Then there is King Silas Benjamin. Biblically, Silas was a missionary companion to Paul and Timothy, but pre-Chiristianity, “Asilas” (the pre-Roman Italian language for “Silvanus” the original version of “Silas”) was an Etruscan leader and warrior-prophet who plays a prominent role in assisting Aeneas in Virgil’s epic poem the Aeneid. This Silas is an embodiment of both, a former war hero cum chosen leader by God via a crown of butterflies. As for Benjamin. It is of Hebrew origin, meaning “son of the right hand” and in Biblical story was the 12th youngest and most beloved son of the patriarch Jacob and Rachel. Also, Saul, the first King of Israel, was the son of Kish of the tribe of Benjamin. But then there are the more modern connotations of the name, think Benjamin Franklin, favored President of American history, inventor and mover of modern technology. The King embodies these attributes as well, having the magnetic personality and orating skills of Franklin and Hitler combined.
Much like the Biblical King Saul, who was rejected by God for his corrupt act of keeping some of the loot after defeating the Amalekites, Silas is also rejected by God for following the demand of his capitalist backer to attack Gath even after signing a peace treaty with them, thusly ending the war, because of the capitalist’s venture interests in the profiteering off of the war.
And then there is Jack, King Silas’s son. Consequently, Jack is of Old English origin. In its French form, Jacques, the name may be taken from its then Hebrew Jacob which means “he who supplants.” As of the permier episode, the King’s son is already on the track to usurping his father.
And as for that crown of butterflies, a major symbol used in the series. The butterfly in popular culture is a symbol of rejuvination and regeneration. A potent mixture when placed in that of a living crown — the crown being a symbol of royal power and authority. Like the sceptre, the crown is a visible badge of office, granting the wearer the absolute right to rule — to rule was often held to be divinely inspired. Not surprisingly, the “crown of butterflies” was formed by Monarch butterflies, and, of course, the series is dealing with a monarchial rule. But a deeper symbolism of the butterfly is rooted in its defense strategy. Living off the dietary sustenance of milkweed only, the butterfly becomes distasteful, shielding them against almost all predators that soon learn to avoid them after attempting to eat them.
Needless to say, the show is an analytical feast. The storyline is interesting, well written and thoughtful as well as thought provoking. The mix of biblical story with that of modern overtones makes the idea quite plausible. And conspiracists will love the undertones of slippery slope possibilities that our approaching capitalist run government will lead us down this path. Some stats on the show: it is directed by I Am Legend helmer, Francis Lawrence, and its creator, Micheal Green, is the writer of Heroes. The show isn’t overly religious, despite its inspired story and powerful Biblical symbolism. It incurres the use of classic’s characters such as the voice of conscience to the morally dubious Silas, portrayed by a preacher, and a historian, whom the writers employ as their outlet to voice the history, sub-plot lines, and access to interaction with their fans via the King’s website on NBC.com. And at the same time it isn’t an overly political satire, even though it employs a Dick Cheney-esque character out for bloody war for financial reasons (hence the previously mentioned King Silas’s capitalist invester). While some remain confused about what kind of show Kings is, Gilding says its both, its all, its modern drama meets series meets all the fine aspects of the classics wrapped into a bundle that promises to remain entertaining as long as it continues to live up to the smart, thinking show that it provided with its premier. So, writers of Kings, don’t fuck it up.
Celebrating Women’s History Month with Feminie Hygiene Products
Something tells Gilding she’s celebrating the history of women’s liberation wrong…Nah… So:
Tampon Plushies. Because nothing says you celebrate your womanhood like braided cord for extra leak protection cotton goodness.
Link: My Paprt Crane
Ass to Mood is only OK in the Heat of the Moment
You’re asshole is clenched. You must be angry.
The Swamp Stool by Visual Reference Studio is a thermo-sensitive upholstery that changes colors in response to body heat and/or atmospheric temperature.
Via: Modern Urban Living
Toddler Lockdown
This may have been a commonly used crib for paranoid parents of the early 1900′s afraid of snakes sneaking into their child’s crib, but Gilding knows of one little runt in need of this crib. Gilding’s youngest niece, Brianna, has recently taken to climbing her; her daring escapes frazzling her mother’s nerves. And while it is ultimate hilarity on Gilding’s end to revel in her sister’s torture, it is, in the eventuality of things, unsafe. But nothing a little toddler lockdown can’t fix.
In truth, the Better Babies crib is a relic from mainstream Progressive Era eugenics movement. Tom Chaps from boingboing quotes David Bender’s article in the Journal of Social History:
“Using the Women’s Home Companion as a national soapbox, [Anna} Richardson publicized baby contests as a way of improving the future of the race. Richardson brought national attention in 1913 to the baby contests, but enthusiasm had already been growing, not only on the state fair circuit, but also in urban reform circles. Starting in 1912, settlement houses and related reform organizations held numerous better baby contests, spreading the gospel of safe milk, scientific upbringing, and moral living to the urban immigrant working class. Richardson estimated that 100,000 babies were judged in the contests of 1913.”
…the article continues…
“As shows moved from rural fairs to urban settlement house clinics, the vocabulary and method remained remarkably similar. At the first baby shows, the form to judge children was adapted from the checklist to judge cattle. The same form made its way to cities. Where county fairs might judge the bloodlines of farmyard stock, the urban better baby contest judged the heredity of “immigrant stock.”
Chaps speculates the crib was either used in the competitions, or was a weak attempt to cash in on the name. As a child of the South Gilding can tell you that in the small town of Zephyrhills, FL, Nanny Gilding recounted tales of these cribs being used by some of the rural, more rich, folk to house their baby child while the women whittled away their time gossiping with one another on the front porch. So, horrible baby cattle drives, that was all you Northern Yanks. And you called us Southerners uncivilized .^_~.
